333rd Post!

Woot woot! This is my 333rd post! 

Yay! Yes, the author herself in all her 2 year old joy. Those sweet cheeks!

I always wanted to write a book. Does this count?! I was going to write an interesting post comparing Yankee to Confederate territory. However, that doesn't fit with my 333rd post! If I wrote a book it would have to be so much more interesting, especially on page 333.

What happened here? We will never know. Hint: it was good.

In my book I would add:

1. Il postino pazzo di Rivoltella: my crazy post delivery guy in Rivoltella, Italy who had one wobbly eye that looked like it was falling out. A good novel should have the element of surprise where you don't know if a crazy looking Joe is a killer or just crazy looking.

Perfect place for romance or tragedy.

What does that van hold? Roses? Cheese? Love letters?

2. Pictures of all the bathrooms I have visited.

Side-note: Chef, this is BEFORE we got married. It never happens now. 

 It sounds nuts but public bathrooms vary so much from country to country. I am generally disgusted by any public bathroom so pay special attention to each one.

3. A sound track that plays with each chapter. My last chapter would include Taylor Swift "We Are Never Getting Back Together" which Fatty hates and he makes this face:

"Lady, can you please turn Taylor Swift off? I got it, we are never getting back together."

"We are never ever ever getting back together."

4. My family of Sagittarius, Cancer, one Scoprio (fabulous girl), a couple of Leo's and a wild Aquarius: and what a birthday party with them is like.

5. An informative chapter on how to be a dazzling queen, because as a Leo, I must inform my subjects.

Being a queen is like going  in a tunnel and aiming for the top.

To be a queen, you must read Jane Austen and visit Austen-onean types of places such as this one.

6. A chapter on scenarios when ordering coffee in Northern Italy, Jersey, and the countryside in Southern Maryland

Due cappuccini e due sfogliatelle, grazie. 

7. Moving, the protagonist would have to move at least 4 times. Boxes, mail forwarding, the drama with getting a moving company, etc etc. I might even throw in the part of the paving company showing up the moment of the move to repave the street.

Any good book involves some scandal. Mine would have:

7. "Sexo, Pudor y Lagrimas": un capitolo caliente! You won't know if the protagonist's middle aged mom loves one or all of her admirers, ironically each called, Mike, Miguel and Michelle (Italian for Mike).

8. In each chapter the protagonist would get pulled over by the police for some traffic violation. In each instance she would cunningly get out of getting a ticket. Hey, novels need to be informative too!

There are ways to learn even the trickiest of things!

9. A missing person. They disappear and never come back. Their dog waits forever. (A cat would never do that)The end. Hey, life is tough.

10. How to handle jerks (men who are jerks, that is) this would be demonstrated by the protagonist's cousin who is very well adapt at handling crazy menfolk. Lesson #1: if you want to break up with rude guy #1 ask him to  meet you at the park where he will find  you smooching big guy #2. Simple, painful, done.

11. Oh, and there would have to be at least 4 cats in my book where the reader can see the thoughts but, of course, the owners can't.

The day she told her cat she was getting married. She had to catch him in the right mood.

He took the marriage well. He punished his mistress by stealing her husband from her.

The first love of my life: Peaches.

Why 4 cats and not 1? Well, cat #1 is silent, even mentally. He is the most interesting and wild of cats so the owner always wonders what he thinks, but in fact this cat doesn't think at all, he just is. Cat #2 howls constantly. Her thoughts are those of an unsatisfied wife who wants more attention, food and cuddles but is too annoying to deserve any of them. She won't stop howling, ever. Cat #3 wishes he were a dog, identifies as a dog and wants other cats to refer to him as Woof. Cat #4 is a professor who spent so much time in his research and studies that he became a cat. Other professors are still terrified of him and refer to him as Dr. Whiskers even if he is no longer an intimidating human but a cat. As a cat, he is much more intimidating.

I really don't see how this book will work out. Maybe I should stick to blogging for now.