How to Protect Yourself from Wedding Rape
Note: This was written before the wedding, the actual event was incredible and worth every minute of trouble! Nevertheless, watch out if you are planning a wedding.
Yes, wedding rape. That is what happens when you get married. The groom and bride don't gleefully rape each other. Why? Because they are exhausted of paying huge amounts of money for things like nice paper leaflets, hair dos, nail polishes and fussing over why weddings cost so darn much when the reality is that 2 people want to try to have a normal life together and thats it. Oh but someone else is paying for it...then those folks are wasting their money too. Oh no. Normal life? Forget about it! If you are getting married the couple that was up until a few months ago happily having a tasty dinner on the couch is suddenly the focus of a commercial business called "Happily Ever After". If you want to be happy for ever after you must succumb to wedding rape or you will be unhappy and who can imagine ever being unhappy in life?! Rainy day? unhappy. Cat pooped in your sink because you moved the liter box, changed his food and he got confused looking were to poop? Unhappy. Boss is a live demon? Unhappy. Earthquake? Unhappy. Flat tire? Unhappy. We don't deserve to be happy, we are fortunate if we have good circumstances and make right choices. The happiness topic deserves it's own blog, or book. Days of sitting on Santas lap and expecting dreams to come true are over. However, Wedding Rape is disguised as the pinnacle of happiness in various forms like bad creepy expensive date that you had a bad feeling about from the beginning. In reality it turns out to be an overbearing, intrusive and abrasive date that takes everything you have and leaves you with over-Photoshoped pictures and a wounded bank account. The best bride and groom are the calm ones. They will be calm after avoiding wedding rape. The basic places Wedding Rape happens are:
1. The Ring
2. Engagement Announcement: Who to tell and why tell them....
3. The Wedding Dress
4. Costly Etiquette and Traditions
5. Wedding Showers and Parties
6. The Venue, Food and Drinks
7. Others: Church, Photographer, Decorations....etc
1. "The Ring" Get engaged with the diamond ring of her dreams even if she really doesn't like diamonds, might prefer a ruby, a pearl or no engagement ring at all. But Wedding Rape dictates that the bride must love diamonds, after all Marilyn Monroe said diamonds were a girls best friend (she also was dumb and read off of scripts). The groom feels forced to smile as he hands over 3 months salary stuffed in a diamond that he resents the bride for wanting and hates her friends for convincing her that she deserved it or he is not the one. Avoid wedding rape by choosing your own ring after talking about openly what can and can't be afforded, and be realistic if you can't afford it. The groom will appreciate you more for this and after all you have to live with him feeling the pressure of the ring. One of the nicest engagement rings I ever saw was on a United Airways flight attendant who gleefully proclaimed she bought it from Avon at $19.99 to keep creepy men on flights away. At the end of the day...whisper: no one apart from the bride and groom really cares about your engagement and if they start analyzing your ring choice, asking if it was 3 months salary of the groom and what the carat is...then they are too noisy and are the type of people who will push you for other things in your life that are personal as well.
2. Wedding rape forces people to do a global engagement announcement: Announce the engagement to the world, who frankly doesn't care and will start judging you, your fiancè and your tastes harsher than Joan Rivers judging dresses at the Oscars. All of your tastes will be judged by those who know you are getting married, from your cardigan to your shoes and color of paper on your announcements. How to avoid announcement rape? Tell your family (if they are sane and care) and the few people who matter in your current life. Everyone else is extra. Tell means call, don't email or mail cute pictures that make them queasy: call and tell the people. It will also save you money that can go on a nice steak dinner for you and your honey.
3."The Dress" This is a moment where American women have been convinced by TLC's "Say Yes to the Dress" that there is one true dress for the wedding and that no other dresses will do the job. Mothers, grandmothers and best-friends that mean well suddenly turn into open critics and style experts that can very nicely fry the brides nerves crispier than well done bacon. The mom will want one thing and only that one or she will pout, grandma (who might be paying) will demand that a bride only looks like a bride with a huge crown of flowers on her head, the best friend will insisit she is a syle guru and that everyone is wearing a white hair flower the size of Texas. The bride feels lost, intimidated by her budget, bosom and butt. Then the sales lady slickly dressed in black coolly recommends a selection the tired bride hasn't seen before, and surprise, it is 200 dollars lower than the set budget that was honestly too high to begin with. This selection quiets the henpecking and glares from the brides entourage and brings the first smile to her face because they are quiet and the dress is silk and feels nice. Avoid all of this by doing some research on dresses, trunk sales and most importantly knowing your personal tastes and body shape. A one sleeve strap with a mermaid skirt might look great on Mrs. Obama but not on your wedding pictures in 20 years. Choosing something alone before going into the madness will be more fulfilling. Also remember that it is one day, a frock of over $1,000 is not necessary to fulfill your dream of looking amazing. Amazon.com has great veils at a fraction of the price. Consider going to a trunk sale or to Filene's Basement Running of the Brides event. They have over 5,000 dresses at each event. All dresses are designer labels such as Pronovia and Vera Wang. All dresses are under $750. You can even buy two or three at $250 and make your final choice with your dog giving nods of approval. They also sell veils, petticoats and tiaras. You will walk out elated that you did financial liposuction on the big cost of the dress. But what if there isn't "the one true dress there?" Trust me, there is. There are over 5,000 dresses where the problem will be which one not to take. And your hubby-to-be will smile, he already picked you well before thinking about the moment he would see you walking down the aisle in a giant white dress. He will think you are the prettiest thing and his nerves will calm if he sees you smile back. Check it out for one near you: http://www.filenesbasement.com/running-of-the-brides/
4. Etiquette. The bride spends most of her days in comfortable clothes, she likes to curse at home, have a beer with the groom, take naps, eat pizza, talks to her cats, and occasionally dance rather pitifully when she cleans with Rhianna in the background. Essentially: she is no Martha Stewart. The Father of the Bride is a machine full of gastronomic noises that could take the Guinness book of world records. Each guest has probably burped in public and would have a hard time knowing how to write a proper thank-you card if you asked them (unless they are an elementary school teacher, since middle and high school teachers have given up hope). But now, Wedding Rape dictates that after mentally raping the bride brainwashing her into thinking of all the things she should have, should do and should purchase the bride turn into an etiquette guru. She should now stress on how to address the invitations, how to smile at guests who are rude, how to address intrusive questions from people handing her a nice check, and how to be diplomatic when seating a room full of strangers, friends and relatives where some might hate each other.
5. Showers: Engagement party, bridal shower, girls last night out, rehersal dinner, then the brunch after the wedding. That is the sum of over $2,000 that could go on a lifetime of pedicures if spanned out, a great bookcase that otherwise would be deemed "too expensive" or a gold tooth that would last longer and shine everyday with your smile. Shower rape: Solution? Avoid them unless someone freely and willingly throws one for you without any forceful suggestions that they should because they are the maid of honor or a relative. If no one throws you a shower it is ok. You just saved some time and saved your loved ones money. What about the pillowcases and last night out? For sure you have pillowcases and will go out again.
6. The Venue and food: a 4 course meal is expected by Wedding Rape. Say no again. No human I interact with everyday expects a 4 course meal. Pick something filling, tasty, and invite less people. Spend some time shopping around for a good venue that doesn't have to be a professional wedding venue. It can be a sweet small restaurant that will be thrilled to host your wedding reception.
Think about all the people you can cut out of the invitations. Those extra people don't care about you anyway. Ask yourself when you would have contacted them again if you were not getting married. There are a lot of extras out there who really don't want to put on a suit on a Saturday, buy a gift on your registry and come eat your expensive food. Save your money on inviting less and take that money to have a yummy seafood dinner with your honey after it is all done.
7. Other financial wedding rapers hide in the church, the wedding car, the photographer, the hair and traditions. The photographer will want to know your "vision" for your wedding then will consume most of your attention on the day of the wedding when you could be enjoying special hugs and moments with the people you care about. Advertise your wedding on fliers by the photography dept at an art school. Talented photographers will jump at the chance to take pictures for you at a much lower price so they can grow their personal portfolio.
Then there is the hair stress, up or down, left or right, Old Hollywood or Rustic Beauty?... Oh my, the HAIR!!! Here is another waste of money. I can see wanting one decent picture to have on the mantle for life but spending a minimum of $100 on hair is silly. Want an easy updo for free? Here, try the Gibson Tuck. The Gibson Girl was a hottie back in the 1920's when stylish women were doing updos everyday. Doing it does not mean you are a Lord of the Rings fan or that it is unbridal.No one has to know if you think they will scoff at you. It is very bridal and you would probably tell the stylist to do something simple and elegant, after having spent hours scouring bridal magazines and not convinced of any high fashion hair dos. Here you go: simple, elegant and can be modified with accessories such as an elegant clip or whatever suits your fancy. It takes max 5 minutes to do, stays in place and is adorable. Practice one or two times and you will be a professional, save the money or use it to buy that great accessory, vintage hair pin or new trench coat that you have been lusting after.
Lastly, choose which traditions you would like for your wedding. Thank God some traditions change! Different cultures and time periods required couples to do things a certain way. If grandma insists that you do something out of tradition but you think it is terrible and your groom is asthmatic thinking about the idea then don't do it. If the grooms mom demands that you do something from their culture but it doesn't matter to the groom and it will cost a fortune then don't do it. This is the moment to realize what really matters to other people. If you matter to them they will respect your choices. If the traditions matter more, or whatever they are pushing, then that will be apparent. Choose what matters to you and beware of the people who make it apparent that they will intrude on your ideas and personal life.
That is all I have to say about protecting yourself from wedding rape and the most likely places it can occur. Remember that the wedding is yours just as the marriage is yours. The rest of opinions and pressure from family, shops, the venue, photographers, current style and friends are all extra. The most opinionated people will be far in times of trouble and the sweetest friend who wants the best for you will be reliably close by.
Yes, wedding rape. That is what happens when you get married. The groom and bride don't gleefully rape each other. Why? Because they are exhausted of paying huge amounts of money for things like nice paper leaflets, hair dos, nail polishes and fussing over why weddings cost so darn much when the reality is that 2 people want to try to have a normal life together and thats it. Oh but someone else is paying for it...then those folks are wasting their money too. Oh no. Normal life? Forget about it! If you are getting married the couple that was up until a few months ago happily having a tasty dinner on the couch is suddenly the focus of a commercial business called "Happily Ever After". If you want to be happy for ever after you must succumb to wedding rape or you will be unhappy and who can imagine ever being unhappy in life?! Rainy day? unhappy. Cat pooped in your sink because you moved the liter box, changed his food and he got confused looking were to poop? Unhappy. Boss is a live demon? Unhappy. Earthquake? Unhappy. Flat tire? Unhappy. We don't deserve to be happy, we are fortunate if we have good circumstances and make right choices. The happiness topic deserves it's own blog, or book. Days of sitting on Santas lap and expecting dreams to come true are over. However, Wedding Rape is disguised as the pinnacle of happiness in various forms like bad creepy expensive date that you had a bad feeling about from the beginning. In reality it turns out to be an overbearing, intrusive and abrasive date that takes everything you have and leaves you with over-Photoshoped pictures and a wounded bank account. The best bride and groom are the calm ones. They will be calm after avoiding wedding rape. The basic places Wedding Rape happens are:
1. The Ring
2. Engagement Announcement: Who to tell and why tell them....
3. The Wedding Dress
4. Costly Etiquette and Traditions
5. Wedding Showers and Parties
6. The Venue, Food and Drinks
7. Others: Church, Photographer, Decorations....etc
1. "The Ring" Get engaged with the diamond ring of her dreams even if she really doesn't like diamonds, might prefer a ruby, a pearl or no engagement ring at all. But Wedding Rape dictates that the bride must love diamonds, after all Marilyn Monroe said diamonds were a girls best friend (she also was dumb and read off of scripts). The groom feels forced to smile as he hands over 3 months salary stuffed in a diamond that he resents the bride for wanting and hates her friends for convincing her that she deserved it or he is not the one. Avoid wedding rape by choosing your own ring after talking about openly what can and can't be afforded, and be realistic if you can't afford it. The groom will appreciate you more for this and after all you have to live with him feeling the pressure of the ring. One of the nicest engagement rings I ever saw was on a United Airways flight attendant who gleefully proclaimed she bought it from Avon at $19.99 to keep creepy men on flights away. At the end of the day...whisper: no one apart from the bride and groom really cares about your engagement and if they start analyzing your ring choice, asking if it was 3 months salary of the groom and what the carat is...then they are too noisy and are the type of people who will push you for other things in your life that are personal as well.
2. Wedding rape forces people to do a global engagement announcement: Announce the engagement to the world, who frankly doesn't care and will start judging you, your fiancè and your tastes harsher than Joan Rivers judging dresses at the Oscars. All of your tastes will be judged by those who know you are getting married, from your cardigan to your shoes and color of paper on your announcements. How to avoid announcement rape? Tell your family (if they are sane and care) and the few people who matter in your current life. Everyone else is extra. Tell means call, don't email or mail cute pictures that make them queasy: call and tell the people. It will also save you money that can go on a nice steak dinner for you and your honey.
3."The Dress" This is a moment where American women have been convinced by TLC's "Say Yes to the Dress" that there is one true dress for the wedding and that no other dresses will do the job. Mothers, grandmothers and best-friends that mean well suddenly turn into open critics and style experts that can very nicely fry the brides nerves crispier than well done bacon. The mom will want one thing and only that one or she will pout, grandma (who might be paying) will demand that a bride only looks like a bride with a huge crown of flowers on her head, the best friend will insisit she is a syle guru and that everyone is wearing a white hair flower the size of Texas. The bride feels lost, intimidated by her budget, bosom and butt. Then the sales lady slickly dressed in black coolly recommends a selection the tired bride hasn't seen before, and surprise, it is 200 dollars lower than the set budget that was honestly too high to begin with. This selection quiets the henpecking and glares from the brides entourage and brings the first smile to her face because they are quiet and the dress is silk and feels nice. Avoid all of this by doing some research on dresses, trunk sales and most importantly knowing your personal tastes and body shape. A one sleeve strap with a mermaid skirt might look great on Mrs. Obama but not on your wedding pictures in 20 years. Choosing something alone before going into the madness will be more fulfilling. Also remember that it is one day, a frock of over $1,000 is not necessary to fulfill your dream of looking amazing. Amazon.com has great veils at a fraction of the price. Consider going to a trunk sale or to Filene's Basement Running of the Brides event. They have over 5,000 dresses at each event. All dresses are designer labels such as Pronovia and Vera Wang. All dresses are under $750. You can even buy two or three at $250 and make your final choice with your dog giving nods of approval. They also sell veils, petticoats and tiaras. You will walk out elated that you did financial liposuction on the big cost of the dress. But what if there isn't "the one true dress there?" Trust me, there is. There are over 5,000 dresses where the problem will be which one not to take. And your hubby-to-be will smile, he already picked you well before thinking about the moment he would see you walking down the aisle in a giant white dress. He will think you are the prettiest thing and his nerves will calm if he sees you smile back. Check it out for one near you: http://www.filenesbasement.com/running-of-the-brides/
4. Etiquette. The bride spends most of her days in comfortable clothes, she likes to curse at home, have a beer with the groom, take naps, eat pizza, talks to her cats, and occasionally dance rather pitifully when she cleans with Rhianna in the background. Essentially: she is no Martha Stewart. The Father of the Bride is a machine full of gastronomic noises that could take the Guinness book of world records. Each guest has probably burped in public and would have a hard time knowing how to write a proper thank-you card if you asked them (unless they are an elementary school teacher, since middle and high school teachers have given up hope). But now, Wedding Rape dictates that after mentally raping the bride brainwashing her into thinking of all the things she should have, should do and should purchase the bride turn into an etiquette guru. She should now stress on how to address the invitations, how to smile at guests who are rude, how to address intrusive questions from people handing her a nice check, and how to be diplomatic when seating a room full of strangers, friends and relatives where some might hate each other.
5. Showers: Engagement party, bridal shower, girls last night out, rehersal dinner, then the brunch after the wedding. That is the sum of over $2,000 that could go on a lifetime of pedicures if spanned out, a great bookcase that otherwise would be deemed "too expensive" or a gold tooth that would last longer and shine everyday with your smile. Shower rape: Solution? Avoid them unless someone freely and willingly throws one for you without any forceful suggestions that they should because they are the maid of honor or a relative. If no one throws you a shower it is ok. You just saved some time and saved your loved ones money. What about the pillowcases and last night out? For sure you have pillowcases and will go out again.
6. The Venue and food: a 4 course meal is expected by Wedding Rape. Say no again. No human I interact with everyday expects a 4 course meal. Pick something filling, tasty, and invite less people. Spend some time shopping around for a good venue that doesn't have to be a professional wedding venue. It can be a sweet small restaurant that will be thrilled to host your wedding reception.
Think about all the people you can cut out of the invitations. Those extra people don't care about you anyway. Ask yourself when you would have contacted them again if you were not getting married. There are a lot of extras out there who really don't want to put on a suit on a Saturday, buy a gift on your registry and come eat your expensive food. Save your money on inviting less and take that money to have a yummy seafood dinner with your honey after it is all done.
7. Other financial wedding rapers hide in the church, the wedding car, the photographer, the hair and traditions. The photographer will want to know your "vision" for your wedding then will consume most of your attention on the day of the wedding when you could be enjoying special hugs and moments with the people you care about. Advertise your wedding on fliers by the photography dept at an art school. Talented photographers will jump at the chance to take pictures for you at a much lower price so they can grow their personal portfolio.
Then there is the hair stress, up or down, left or right, Old Hollywood or Rustic Beauty?... Oh my, the HAIR!!! Here is another waste of money. I can see wanting one decent picture to have on the mantle for life but spending a minimum of $100 on hair is silly. Want an easy updo for free? Here, try the Gibson Tuck. The Gibson Girl was a hottie back in the 1920's when stylish women were doing updos everyday. Doing it does not mean you are a Lord of the Rings fan or that it is unbridal.No one has to know if you think they will scoff at you. It is very bridal and you would probably tell the stylist to do something simple and elegant, after having spent hours scouring bridal magazines and not convinced of any high fashion hair dos. Here you go: simple, elegant and can be modified with accessories such as an elegant clip or whatever suits your fancy. It takes max 5 minutes to do, stays in place and is adorable. Practice one or two times and you will be a professional, save the money or use it to buy that great accessory, vintage hair pin or new trench coat that you have been lusting after.
Lastly, choose which traditions you would like for your wedding. Thank God some traditions change! Different cultures and time periods required couples to do things a certain way. If grandma insists that you do something out of tradition but you think it is terrible and your groom is asthmatic thinking about the idea then don't do it. If the grooms mom demands that you do something from their culture but it doesn't matter to the groom and it will cost a fortune then don't do it. This is the moment to realize what really matters to other people. If you matter to them they will respect your choices. If the traditions matter more, or whatever they are pushing, then that will be apparent. Choose what matters to you and beware of the people who make it apparent that they will intrude on your ideas and personal life.
That is all I have to say about protecting yourself from wedding rape and the most likely places it can occur. Remember that the wedding is yours just as the marriage is yours. The rest of opinions and pressure from family, shops, the venue, photographers, current style and friends are all extra. The most opinionated people will be far in times of trouble and the sweetest friend who wants the best for you will be reliably close by.
How was your wedding? I hope it was what you wanted but not at too high a price. I actually don't remember much about mine. That is how they get you...when you are off in dream land.
ReplyDeleteIt was romantic and beautiful. I loved it. I should email you pictures. During the planning nerve of commercialism and salespeople got to me and I saw so many brides falling for their pitch.
ReplyDelete