Coping with Grief

I feel like the subject of grief is largely avoided because it is uncomfortable like a big pimple you hope will go away if you ignore it. However, we all at some point go through experiencing the loss of someone we love or were attached to. The lack of their presence in our lives leaving a gaping hole and the memory of them is suddenly everywhere from breakfast to bedtime. I experienced a few deaths in recent months, little loves that left big holes in my heart, and found that there were some things that really did help me cope. Perhaps this is more "notes to self for the next time I get slammed by death", but this is what I found has helped this round:

Immediately (week 1-2ish):

1: Don't get back on your to-do list for a few days: Don't drive on day one-three if possible! Yes, the laundry will pile up, yes you won't feel accomplished or productive. This is normal and OK. Delivery pizza is totally acceptable for a few weeks...It is ok to feel numb and confused and not able to think clearly after someone dies. It takes a while for your brain to process the loss of someone you loved. Sit with your feelings, with your numbness, with your emptiness.

That to-do list could turn out terribly wrong if you try to tackle it...

2: Lower your expectations for a few days: Basic needs such as showering, eating, hydrating yourself are monumental accomplishments when all you can think of is of who you lost, and that nausea from it all, and your mind feels imbalanced. Sometimes I felt the sadness from death was akin to concussion symptoms of confusion and depression.

Stay in. Don't drive.

3: Limit your inner circle of people: Grief is gross and heavy and exhausting. You will need people no doubt, and good people who are ok with sadness. They won't try to give you a quick fix. Then there are wonderful people who can't stand grief and their words of comfort hurt more than anything. Give yourself some space from them for a little while. You are vulnerable and need to protect yourself. Don't tell everyone what you are going through, only people who will respond in a gentle and understanding way.

Connect with the right people

4: Accept help when it is genuinely offered: a good friend of mine brought me food, a warm shawl, and a care basket. She went for a walk with me for a few hours. My pride and shame in having her see me in bits almost made me refuse the offer for her company. I am so glad I didn't. I have found that other people who want to help and have been there find great satisfaction in offering their emotions and time when they see someone in similar distress. Be open to these good people.

Dive into good hugs from the right people.

5: Find a "Feeling corner": Put your phone away and just sit with yourself. Grief is beautiful in that it brings us to a level of vulnerability that we are not comfortable with and makes us very attune to our sensations, feelings and overall health. I haven't felt so connected with myself: my breathing, my heartbeat, my prayers, my hunger in years. Thanks to grief, I have had ample time and space to sit with whatever emotion or sensation my mind and body has had. My feeling corner was wonderful to have. A safe, quiet spot with plenty of tissue...

A good spot to feel it all out.

With time (1-4 weeks)

6. Walks in nature: I found that going for an early morning walk, more like a slow insane pudder, at first really helped me. I found myself gazing at life in every form: dashing squirrel, flocks of birds, prancing cats, delicate dear, slow moving clouds, and seeing how strong and magnificent life on this planet is. It helped me see how the ones I lost are reflected in life.

This picture says so much about what nature can teach us. Don't be eaten by the termites...

7. Prayer: Oh this is a really tough one, and yet the best one. At first, for me, prayer was impossible. I pray a daily rosary, and felt that as I started I would get stuck on one word and freeze there. "Our Father, who art...who art...who art..who art..." and that word would be the max that I could pray and contemplate for the day. "Who art" as opposed to who isn't, or the emptiness thereof. Or I would also feel like this awful feeling of sadness that I disappointed God who wants me to have the "peace of Christ" because He loves me. A good walk with a friend reminded me that Mary grieved and cried and felt ugly with the death of Jesus. I thought a lot about the Pieta, the beautiful statue of Mary grieving and holding the dead body of Christ. No doubt pressure came up inside of me that tempted me to think that my faith wasn't real because I was so sad, or that this happened because God didn't like me enough to keep me in the "golden crowd" of good boys and girls who get what "golden children" get. I had to get real and honest with Christ once my numbness wore off. I sat on the floor looking straight at an image of the Sacred Heart and told Him everything, every miserable little thing I felt and missed and regretted. I cried till it hurt and asked Him to protect me and help me from this awfulness and help me get through it. Did a flood of relief wash over me? Absolutely not! I didn't feel relieved, but I felt ok with being sad and believing that I could share my heavy heart with Christ and He wanted to know. I felt secure knowing that the temptation to despair was due to a grace in an increase of dependence on Christ. When crumbled by grief the pureness of Christ is the only hope to keep going forward knowing that this world is temporary and that our souls really are eternal. In conclusion, focusing on one word or one image in prayer helped.

Don't let go when you need it most.

"Ave Maris Stella" song really helped me

8. Be aware of yourself, and talk and write about it: I feel that grief helps us grow in awareness and relation to ourselves. I have found grief extremely beautiful in stripping me of my security to my efficiency in life and has made me feel totally vulnerable. In this vulnerability I have found that talking about what I feel, and think and remember has been so grounding while also liberating. It has also helped me gain trust in the few people I have been lucky enough to spend time with discussing what has bubbled to the surface of my heart. I made a promise to a friend to journal every day for 30 days. It has been an incredibly positive outlet for me and I highly recommend it. Have a big feeling coming up? Dive in if it's a good time!

Notes to Mary...

9. Mementos: cards and flowers have been super supportive. I have hugged each card and have put it in a place that I see frequently that reminds me of that person's love and care. I also started a memory box where I will treasure these things.