How Fatty Died
Fatty died one month ago today. I had drafted this blog a couple of weeks ago, so it seems fitting to publish today.
Death is as mysterious as birth. How one is conceived and grows then enters the world is really unique yet similar in many ways to us mammals. You often hear of birth stories of children, and that helps so many expectant mothers prepare for what could happen when their turn comes around. But, perhaps because death ends with nothingness and not the beginning of life, but the loss of it do we hear of death stories. What does it look like to die?
I found it very helpful to recall the death story of my mom's cat, La Gata, when preparing for Fatty to die. It helped me understand what to expect, what he could look like, or what I could feel, or how he could or couldn't need me in those last moments. I mentally recalled the death of La Gata numerous times in a way rehearsing for Fatty. Then there was a marvelous woman whose blog I followed on Chronic Kidney Disease who wrote about her experience with the deaths of her beloved cats, and what helped prepare her in the moments before and the moments after their deaths.
Here is Fatty's death story, long with what helped me along the way. Everyone is different and each grief experience is different. However the love we receive from our pets is profoundly soothing and deserves the tenderness of dignity towards our relationship and what we feel around that time.
Fatty in his affluent chubby life, enjoyed food thoroughly. There wasn't a plant he didn't want to smell and taste, a dish we prepared that he wasn't curious about. It came as a great surprise when he suddenly didn't have a great appetite and would sit next to his food rather than dig in. He had a few weeks of drinking a lot of water and filling his litter pan frequently. After one day where he vomited violently I took him to the vet, had a blood test run and the results devastated me: Fatty had Chronic Kidney Disease and would need assistance to keep living comfortably. He would need 100 milliliters of fluid given under his skin several times per week, some Pepcid AC for stomach acid, and anti-nausea medicine.
I went home and bawled thinking it was the end. The date was October 22, 2018. I can't stand needles and thought he couldn't either and thought "There is no way I can give him fluids." A stout nurse at the veterinary hospital taught me how to carefully insert the needle, and taught me that if I sat on the ground and pet him that the fluids would flow faster. So I began. I began with shakey hands and feeling like I was going to vomit. Fatty on the other hand was fine! He wasn't too sure about the cool fluid going into him as it was colder than his body, but I told him he was a plant that needed to be watered.
The fluids helped his kidneys work a little less, and keep him well hydrated like a tropical fern. We listed to music. His favorite songs were "Photograph" by Ed Sheeran and "Sea of Love" by the Honeydrippers. These were our songs. After each time I watered Fatty I would log what I did on a chart. After time I learned to switch sides when giving him fluids and alternate the middle, left and right side. I read "Tanya's Comprehensive Guide to Feline Chronic Kidney Disease." and let it be my guide in treating Fatty. As more time progressed I learned to hand feed him treats with his medicine mixed in it so that taking medicine would be a pleasant experience with cuddles and not a scary threatening one. Each time I prepared his medicine he would look up with me knowing cuddles and treats were coming. I kept a daily log of his medicine, fluids, his weight and overall how his day went.
Months passed. A year passed and our little routine continued. If I played another song Fatty would frown. So a year passed of listening to either "Photograph" or "Sea of Love". One fine day, Fatty's paws were swollen. They looked like elephant hooves. I looked at him and he looked at me. "Well, this is new!" we both thought. I thought I knew everything there was to know about his Chronic Kidney Disease. I started asking the standard questions: Is he eating? Is he drinking? Is he socializing? Is he able to use the bathroom? The answers to these all were: Yes. So I called the vet and made an appointment. The appointment was for Thursday, 12/26/19, afternoon. I went to mass in the morning and stayed afterwards. I started to sing my favorite song to Mary, Ave Maris Stella. A vase from the altar of Mary fell to the floor as I sang. I was scared so left in a rush after picking up the vase. I got Fatty and off we went with major protest to see him. I felt like I shouldn't go...but I went anyway.
Here I would like to fast forward. And take a seat. Fatty got seriously injured at the vet which was not in the plan of "the end". After his injury by the negligent vet, Fatty changed. He was ashamed, he couldn't look at me without being sad, he didn't want to eat, drink but did want to be close to me. This was Friday...12/27/19.
I sat with Fatty on my lap on Friday and cried and cried. The vet called and told me to euthanize him immediately and that I was being cruel keeping him alive. There was an 11:15 appointment that I took. Then I called my chef who said, "Fatty was FINE the other day." Which he was...he told me to wait till the afternoon so he could say goodbye. Since I thought we had a few hours I called my dad, he looked at Fatty through Facetime and he said ,"Don't let the hand that hurt him, take his life. Look at him, he is purring and feels safe with you." I looked down through my swollen eyes and saw my sweet little friend. He was sitting on me as comfortably as he could, he was purring, he was relaxed. Then we had "The Death Talk"
"The Death Talk" went like what I heard so many people say... I pet Fatty and through my tears I choked out broken words as I told him, "Listen my little heart, you can go. Mother Mary will be with you and she will hold you. She is a good mama. I will be ok, she will help me, and you will be ok, she will help you. We will still love each other and our love will never end. You are really tired, my little love and it is ok to go when you are ready." I then prayed asking Mary to put her mantle around us and to help my little cat. He paused and turned his head toward me and looked me lovingly in the eyes and said, "Help me go." I felt a surge of motivation swell within me. We worked hard together to live, I hand fed him, I cleaned him, and he was happy. Now he was miserable and was asking me to give him death with dignity and love. We could do this as a team. I could help him. So I barreled down and decided to do Hospice care.
Saturday (12/28/19) he awoke looking a little tired and wanting to be alone. He smelled badly. I carefully cleaned his wound from the injury at the vet. I called a second vet and she offered strong pain medicine to make him comfortable. I offered him his favorite food and he ate a little then fell asleep in his favorite bed. The day was marvelously sunny outside. The Chef was gardening and said, "Why don't you bring him out? Maybe the fresh air will be good for him." I carried Fatty outside in his bed/carrier. He curiously popped his head out of the top of the carrier and looked around. Sun. Warmth. Leaves. Wind. Me. The Chef. Fatty took it all in. I carefully picked him up, out of his carrier and gingerly went up the stairs to the top of the hill. There I placed him down and let him sniff the dried grass. He sniffed then chewed on the grass blades. I carried him over to the spot where we thought to bury him, and I told him, "This is the place, little One. What do you think? Do you like it?" Fatty sniffed the air and decided he like it. "There will be deer, and fox, and squirrels that are all your friends." I told him. He liked the idea of resting with his woodland friends around him. We went down the hill and the Chef said to put him in the grass close to him. There Fatty looked for the Chef to be sure he was safe. Once he saw him, he looked for me. Feeling safe with his two favorite people he started to chew on the grass, on the leaves and relax. His head darted quickly and I saw him looking intently at a spider. I knew my little warrior was still there. Then I saw him look into the darkness of the space under the deck and want to go there. "Cat's run away or hide when they want to die." I remembered. I picked up my little furry friend and put him back in the carrier. I carried him downstairs and talked to him about the beautiful day. He was purring and happy after having gotten so much sun and warmth.
We went out for a few hours and I kept checking the nanny cam to see how he was. He was sleeping. When I got home Saturday I cleaned his wound, gave him a hot water bottle with my T-shirt and I prayed with him. I asked Mother Mary again to keep her mantle around both of us. I went to bed in agony.
Is this cruel?! Is this right?! I could feel the pain in my leg like if it was his leg stapled without anesthesia. I woke up Sunday morning, 12/29/19, the Feast of the Holy Family, and dressed feeling pain in all my muscles from being tense from stress. The priest at mass talked about entrusting each and every worry to God. That there is no problem or worry that God doesn't want to comfort us in and show us love. I felt like God didn't care about my cat, but Mary did. Through this priest I saw that God loved me and my love for my cat that He gave me as a friend and companion. I sobbed my heart out the entire mass asking God to help my little friend and cat, Fatty. We went home, Fatty was tired and got some cuddles then napped. Evening came and I carried him to my private prayer corner. I knelt on the ground in front of an image of the Sacred Heart of Jesus, and I began a rosary prayer.
I felt Fatty nestle between my feet as I prayed the glorious mysteries.
They were:
1. The resurrection of Jesus: I asked for the grace to see my cat again one day in perfect health just like Jesus resurrected in glory. Through each Hail Mary I begged for a soft gentle death for Fatty.
2. Jesus ascends into heaven: I asked Mary to take my heart and lift it out of sadness into hope. I asked her to please intercede in asking for a smooth painless death for Fatty.
3. The Holy Spirit descends: I asked the Holy Spirit to give me fortitude because I felt like I was falling apart. I asked for an increase in faith because I felt like darkness was about to swallow me.
4. Mary ascends into heaven: I begged Mary to be my mother and put her mantle of a strong mom around me and my cat. He purred gently.
5. Mary is crowned queen of the Universe: I asked Mary to please show herself as the queen of creatures including my cat and to comfort him, to protect him from harm, and hold him when he died.
I carried my little Fatty downstairs, put a fresh blanket in his bed. He looked determined. He looked ready to be alone and rejected my final pets. I decided to let him rest. I gave him a hot water bottle, I closed the door and I let him sleep.
The next morning, 12/30/19, I went to look for him, and he was curled up with the hot water bottle. I called his name and peered in his little bed. He was nestled all the way in the back and looked perfectly still.
Too still. I called his name again and nothing. I touched his ear and his paw and felt them cold to the touch. It felt like he was pretending to be dead, for he looked too perfect to really be gone. I stood next to him for a few moments waiting for death to wear off and for him to wake up. It felt unreal to see him not responding. After a few moments we all knew he was dead. I told the chef, and I told Bentley. We all cried, even Bentley. He was so upset he screamed for hours. The next few hours felt like clockwork with a checklist of things I had mentally gone over but here they were for real now: wrap Fatty in blanket, make hole in ground, look at him one last time (isn't he beautiful?) put ground over Fatty, cover with rocks. Stare at rocks and tell Fatty we will be ok...(but will we? Life without Fatty is not ok!) I went for a walk right after we buried him and saw a piece of his fur on my sweats. It was something so normal, but also a stark realization that this was probably the last time I would ever find his fur attached to me...
Each day I brought flowers and more flowers. Cards came in from around the world. Flowers came in from around the world. And then flowers came in from Mary's altar. They are still looking fresh today. One month later.
Death is as mysterious as birth. How one is conceived and grows then enters the world is really unique yet similar in many ways to us mammals. You often hear of birth stories of children, and that helps so many expectant mothers prepare for what could happen when their turn comes around. But, perhaps because death ends with nothingness and not the beginning of life, but the loss of it do we hear of death stories. What does it look like to die?
I found it very helpful to recall the death story of my mom's cat, La Gata, when preparing for Fatty to die. It helped me understand what to expect, what he could look like, or what I could feel, or how he could or couldn't need me in those last moments. I mentally recalled the death of La Gata numerous times in a way rehearsing for Fatty. Then there was a marvelous woman whose blog I followed on Chronic Kidney Disease who wrote about her experience with the deaths of her beloved cats, and what helped prepare her in the moments before and the moments after their deaths.
Here is Fatty's death story, long with what helped me along the way. Everyone is different and each grief experience is different. However the love we receive from our pets is profoundly soothing and deserves the tenderness of dignity towards our relationship and what we feel around that time.
The Death of Fatty
The beginning of the end
Fatty in his affluent chubby life, enjoyed food thoroughly. There wasn't a plant he didn't want to smell and taste, a dish we prepared that he wasn't curious about. It came as a great surprise when he suddenly didn't have a great appetite and would sit next to his food rather than dig in. He had a few weeks of drinking a lot of water and filling his litter pan frequently. After one day where he vomited violently I took him to the vet, had a blood test run and the results devastated me: Fatty had Chronic Kidney Disease and would need assistance to keep living comfortably. He would need 100 milliliters of fluid given under his skin several times per week, some Pepcid AC for stomach acid, and anti-nausea medicine.
I went home and bawled thinking it was the end. The date was October 22, 2018. I can't stand needles and thought he couldn't either and thought "There is no way I can give him fluids." A stout nurse at the veterinary hospital taught me how to carefully insert the needle, and taught me that if I sat on the ground and pet him that the fluids would flow faster. So I began. I began with shakey hands and feeling like I was going to vomit. Fatty on the other hand was fine! He wasn't too sure about the cool fluid going into him as it was colder than his body, but I told him he was a plant that needed to be watered.
 |
| Subcutaneous fluids. |
 |
| These amazing fluids gave Fatty so much energy, increased his appetite and helped him feel better. |
The fluids helped his kidneys work a little less, and keep him well hydrated like a tropical fern. We listed to music. His favorite songs were "Photograph" by Ed Sheeran and "Sea of Love" by the Honeydrippers. These were our songs. After each time I watered Fatty I would log what I did on a chart. After time I learned to switch sides when giving him fluids and alternate the middle, left and right side. I read "Tanya's Comprehensive Guide to Feline Chronic Kidney Disease." and let it be my guide in treating Fatty. As more time progressed I learned to hand feed him treats with his medicine mixed in it so that taking medicine would be a pleasant experience with cuddles and not a scary threatening one. Each time I prepared his medicine he would look up with me knowing cuddles and treats were coming. I kept a daily log of his medicine, fluids, his weight and overall how his day went.
 |
| All of my logs...I feel like they would be a good case study for a vet student. |
Here I would like to fast forward. And take a seat. Fatty got seriously injured at the vet which was not in the plan of "the end". After his injury by the negligent vet, Fatty changed. He was ashamed, he couldn't look at me without being sad, he didn't want to eat, drink but did want to be close to me. This was Friday...12/27/19.
 |
| Friday on the floor. We sat there wondering what to do. |
I sat with Fatty on my lap on Friday and cried and cried. The vet called and told me to euthanize him immediately and that I was being cruel keeping him alive. There was an 11:15 appointment that I took. Then I called my chef who said, "Fatty was FINE the other day." Which he was...he told me to wait till the afternoon so he could say goodbye. Since I thought we had a few hours I called my dad, he looked at Fatty through Facetime and he said ,"Don't let the hand that hurt him, take his life. Look at him, he is purring and feels safe with you." I looked down through my swollen eyes and saw my sweet little friend. He was sitting on me as comfortably as he could, he was purring, he was relaxed. Then we had "The Death Talk"
"The Death Talk" went like what I heard so many people say... I pet Fatty and through my tears I choked out broken words as I told him, "Listen my little heart, you can go. Mother Mary will be with you and she will hold you. She is a good mama. I will be ok, she will help me, and you will be ok, she will help you. We will still love each other and our love will never end. You are really tired, my little love and it is ok to go when you are ready." I then prayed asking Mary to put her mantle around us and to help my little cat. He paused and turned his head toward me and looked me lovingly in the eyes and said, "Help me go." I felt a surge of motivation swell within me. We worked hard together to live, I hand fed him, I cleaned him, and he was happy. Now he was miserable and was asking me to give him death with dignity and love. We could do this as a team. I could help him. So I barreled down and decided to do Hospice care.
Saturday (12/28/19) he awoke looking a little tired and wanting to be alone. He smelled badly. I carefully cleaned his wound from the injury at the vet. I called a second vet and she offered strong pain medicine to make him comfortable. I offered him his favorite food and he ate a little then fell asleep in his favorite bed. The day was marvelously sunny outside. The Chef was gardening and said, "Why don't you bring him out? Maybe the fresh air will be good for him." I carried Fatty outside in his bed/carrier. He curiously popped his head out of the top of the carrier and looked around. Sun. Warmth. Leaves. Wind. Me. The Chef. Fatty took it all in. I carefully picked him up, out of his carrier and gingerly went up the stairs to the top of the hill. There I placed him down and let him sniff the dried grass. He sniffed then chewed on the grass blades. I carried him over to the spot where we thought to bury him, and I told him, "This is the place, little One. What do you think? Do you like it?" Fatty sniffed the air and decided he like it. "There will be deer, and fox, and squirrels that are all your friends." I told him. He liked the idea of resting with his woodland friends around him. We went down the hill and the Chef said to put him in the grass close to him. There Fatty looked for the Chef to be sure he was safe. Once he saw him, he looked for me. Feeling safe with his two favorite people he started to chew on the grass, on the leaves and relax. His head darted quickly and I saw him looking intently at a spider. I knew my little warrior was still there. Then I saw him look into the darkness of the space under the deck and want to go there. "Cat's run away or hide when they want to die." I remembered. I picked up my little furry friend and put him back in the carrier. I carried him downstairs and talked to him about the beautiful day. He was purring and happy after having gotten so much sun and warmth.
We went out for a few hours and I kept checking the nanny cam to see how he was. He was sleeping. When I got home Saturday I cleaned his wound, gave him a hot water bottle with my T-shirt and I prayed with him. I asked Mother Mary again to keep her mantle around both of us. I went to bed in agony.
Is this cruel?! Is this right?! I could feel the pain in my leg like if it was his leg stapled without anesthesia. I woke up Sunday morning, 12/29/19, the Feast of the Holy Family, and dressed feeling pain in all my muscles from being tense from stress. The priest at mass talked about entrusting each and every worry to God. That there is no problem or worry that God doesn't want to comfort us in and show us love. I felt like God didn't care about my cat, but Mary did. Through this priest I saw that God loved me and my love for my cat that He gave me as a friend and companion. I sobbed my heart out the entire mass asking God to help my little friend and cat, Fatty. We went home, Fatty was tired and got some cuddles then napped. Evening came and I carried him to my private prayer corner. I knelt on the ground in front of an image of the Sacred Heart of Jesus, and I began a rosary prayer.
I felt Fatty nestle between my feet as I prayed the glorious mysteries.
 |
| Our last picture together...We are praying the rosary. |
They were:
1. The resurrection of Jesus: I asked for the grace to see my cat again one day in perfect health just like Jesus resurrected in glory. Through each Hail Mary I begged for a soft gentle death for Fatty.
2. Jesus ascends into heaven: I asked Mary to take my heart and lift it out of sadness into hope. I asked her to please intercede in asking for a smooth painless death for Fatty.
3. The Holy Spirit descends: I asked the Holy Spirit to give me fortitude because I felt like I was falling apart. I asked for an increase in faith because I felt like darkness was about to swallow me.
4. Mary ascends into heaven: I begged Mary to be my mother and put her mantle of a strong mom around me and my cat. He purred gently.
5. Mary is crowned queen of the Universe: I asked Mary to please show herself as the queen of creatures including my cat and to comfort him, to protect him from harm, and hold him when he died.
I carried my little Fatty downstairs, put a fresh blanket in his bed. He looked determined. He looked ready to be alone and rejected my final pets. I decided to let him rest. I gave him a hot water bottle, I closed the door and I let him sleep.
The next morning, 12/30/19, I went to look for him, and he was curled up with the hot water bottle. I called his name and peered in his little bed. He was nestled all the way in the back and looked perfectly still.
 |
| Asleep forever. |
Too still. I called his name again and nothing. I touched his ear and his paw and felt them cold to the touch. It felt like he was pretending to be dead, for he looked too perfect to really be gone. I stood next to him for a few moments waiting for death to wear off and for him to wake up. It felt unreal to see him not responding. After a few moments we all knew he was dead. I told the chef, and I told Bentley. We all cried, even Bentley. He was so upset he screamed for hours. The next few hours felt like clockwork with a checklist of things I had mentally gone over but here they were for real now: wrap Fatty in blanket, make hole in ground, look at him one last time (isn't he beautiful?) put ground over Fatty, cover with rocks. Stare at rocks and tell Fatty we will be ok...(but will we? Life without Fatty is not ok!) I went for a walk right after we buried him and saw a piece of his fur on my sweats. It was something so normal, but also a stark realization that this was probably the last time I would ever find his fur attached to me...
Each day I brought flowers and more flowers. Cards came in from around the world. Flowers came in from around the world. And then flowers came in from Mary's altar. They are still looking fresh today. One month later.
 |
| Sure you don't want to come out? |
 |
| A carnation and rose from my dad... |
 |
| A few more treasures. |
 |
| Why not go all out? |
 |
| Thank you, Daddy. |
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| Mary's altar flowers. |
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