Week 1: New Teeth New Pain
I got braces the other day. I had wanted braces since I was a little girl. People with braces made me jealous for their toothy silver smile. When I asked the dentist (who looked like Mel Gibson) he answered "Didn't you already have braces?" My teeth were too strait for braces and were perfect. Then I turned 23 and had horrible pressure from wisdom teeth. They hurt my face and I didn't know what to do so booked an appointment at a dental school to have all 4 extracted. The residents in the dental school swore it was needed. As they injected my veins with the total anesthetic I asked for my mom and saw her disappearing into the ladies bathroom as I fell asleep with my mouth open and dental student peering into it like under the hood of a broken Chevy 350. When I awoke, I was only sort of awake, couldn't walk, had no idea where I was and only knew that my mouth was totally broken. My mom and I got lost driving home from the University of Maryland Medical Center. Neither of us knew what I had gotten myself into. Within a few hours I was vomiting blood and crying without being able to move my mouth to say what hurt.
That first day was the worst. Then my brother came, my face was the size of a basketball, and the Oxycontin took effect. He would watch me take it and then we would laugh like idiots acting like lunatics till the medicine knocked me out. I couldn't talk but my brother could still make me laughed till I snorted, even through that horrible pain. He understood that I needed to eat only mashed potatoes and watch girly romantic movies. He understood that I needed him to tell my boss to cool it when I couldn't go in for my shift. I guess I remember all that pain now because the braces I am wearing now hurt be really badly and I am eating pureed food like I did then. Only I don't have my brother to make me laugh (maybe tomorrow on Skype).
So 7 years later, my once perfect teeth are now crooked like an old fence falling apart. Taking my wisdom teeth out made room for my teeth to swim around freely till one tooth decided to start going horizontal and overlap the others.
I went to the orthodontist last year and then bailed at the last minute. Then this year I said, "Let's do it." I needed something to accomplish this year. Straight teeth it was. I went back to the orthodontist and his secretary looked at me like if I was a traitor for bailing out last year. She got over it once I complimented her tattoo. My Ortho sat in the chair looking into the hood of my Chevy once again. "That is an interesting formation you have there." he commented as if I had a stalactite from a cavern growing in my mouth. My teeth had moved so much my bite was now affected.
Then he showed me my options:
1. Traditional braces
2. Ceramic braces
3. Invisalign (clear braces)
I really wanted the traditional braces. But then I did some reading and found out that the steel and metals used get absorbed into the bloodstream much more than the materials with Invisalign. The ceramic ones are said to break all the time. The thing that sold me is that with Invisalign you can eat anything, they say. Then at 31, do I really need to go around grinning like a 16 year old? No. Even though...it could be cute.
So the mature woman in me rationalized with the child and went for Invisalign saying to the child,"With regular braces you can't eat steak, bagels, chips or chew gum. With Invisalign you can eat all of that stuff!" So I convinced myself for the sake of food to go with Invisalign.
1. Smelly dental assistant took dozens of pictures of my teeth. All the while breathing like a horse.
2. Smelly dental assistant pointed out the tiny bit of hair on the corners of my mouth in a picture and said, "Jew kno, honey, dey make Nair moch better now." I could have gotten into it with her.
3. Smelly dental assistant took molds of my mouth while watching The View and disagreeing with Barbara Walthers vocally while bending over my face to make the mouth molds and pushing her giant... pillows around my head. The mold material tasted like kitty butt and went all over my face.
4. Washed face with a diaper wipe. Left smelling like a baby's bottom.
5. Waited 4 weeks for Invisalign to make my molds
6. Met with Ortho and Smelly Assistant to put the first ones in. He glued ceramic clips over my teeth that will hold the braces. I need to change them every 2 weeks.
1. You can't eat everything! No, my teeth hurt so bad from the pressure of these puppies that I can only eat baby or old people food. Everything must be pureed, mashed or creamed. Hello mashed potatoes!
2. You can only drink cool water with them on. Anything warm can warp the shape of them.
3. You can't eat with them on.
4. Taking them off feels like pulling a sword out of your heart. Worst pain ever.
5. They cut your tongue.
6. They make you lisp. Thu thu thu thu. Oh, ith thhat funny? Ith thupid.
7. They make you drool like a happy golden retriever.
8. They dehydrate you so you need to guzzle water like a fish. And put chap stick on like a player.
9. You need to brush your teeth after each meal, brush your braces and have not one spec of food floating around that can get trapped and decay your mouth.
10. Possibly the worst, you can't kiss. It hurts like a mother.
1. Drove to work feeling like I had a bird cage in my mouth.
2. Discovered that iced water helps relieve the swelling!
3. Thanked the good Lord that I work in a library and don't have to talk and risk cutting my tounge.
4. Ran 3 miles to prove to them (not sure who, probably Invisalign) that they could retain my mouth but not my body, not my soul. My free healthy legs ran to be beat of Rihanna. It worked. My legs are not imprisoned like my mouth! Moving on...
5. Drank a gallon of water.
6. Pulled the sword out of my mouth so I could eat a mashed banana.
7. Brushed my swollen teeth, brushed my braces and put the bird cage back in my mouth. Spent 20 minutes in the staff bathroom doing this.
8. Had co-workers whispering about why I was in the bathroom so long and now a lisper.
9. Told them I had braces and that they HURT. So the point of Invisalign is now irrelevant. Since it is supposed to be invisible but now all know.
I should have gone with traditional braces. I hope these things really work. They sure hurt me a lot. I feel like a cage is in my mouth. I feel constrained and claustrophobic with these things. I'm sad that I can't drink coffee with them in, I'm sad I can't eat steak, I'm sad I listhp.
It'll be over soon enough and I will go back to barreling my way through mugs and mugs of coffee and medium rare steaks with crusty bread.
That first day was the worst. Then my brother came, my face was the size of a basketball, and the Oxycontin took effect. He would watch me take it and then we would laugh like idiots acting like lunatics till the medicine knocked me out. I couldn't talk but my brother could still make me laughed till I snorted, even through that horrible pain. He understood that I needed to eat only mashed potatoes and watch girly romantic movies. He understood that I needed him to tell my boss to cool it when I couldn't go in for my shift. I guess I remember all that pain now because the braces I am wearing now hurt be really badly and I am eating pureed food like I did then. Only I don't have my brother to make me laugh (maybe tomorrow on Skype).
So 7 years later, my once perfect teeth are now crooked like an old fence falling apart. Taking my wisdom teeth out made room for my teeth to swim around freely till one tooth decided to start going horizontal and overlap the others.
I went to the orthodontist last year and then bailed at the last minute. Then this year I said, "Let's do it." I needed something to accomplish this year. Straight teeth it was. I went back to the orthodontist and his secretary looked at me like if I was a traitor for bailing out last year. She got over it once I complimented her tattoo. My Ortho sat in the chair looking into the hood of my Chevy once again. "That is an interesting formation you have there." he commented as if I had a stalactite from a cavern growing in my mouth. My teeth had moved so much my bite was now affected.
Then he showed me my options:
1. Traditional braces
2. Ceramic braces
3. Invisalign (clear braces)
I really wanted the traditional braces. But then I did some reading and found out that the steel and metals used get absorbed into the bloodstream much more than the materials with Invisalign. The ceramic ones are said to break all the time. The thing that sold me is that with Invisalign you can eat anything, they say. Then at 31, do I really need to go around grinning like a 16 year old? No. Even though...it could be cute.
So the mature woman in me rationalized with the child and went for Invisalign saying to the child,"With regular braces you can't eat steak, bagels, chips or chew gum. With Invisalign you can eat all of that stuff!" So I convinced myself for the sake of food to go with Invisalign.
 |
| Unit 1: Operation straight smile |
Here is what happened in steps to prep me:
1. Smelly dental assistant took dozens of pictures of my teeth. All the while breathing like a horse.
2. Smelly dental assistant pointed out the tiny bit of hair on the corners of my mouth in a picture and said, "Jew kno, honey, dey make Nair moch better now." I could have gotten into it with her.
3. Smelly dental assistant took molds of my mouth while watching The View and disagreeing with Barbara Walthers vocally while bending over my face to make the mouth molds and pushing her giant... pillows around my head. The mold material tasted like kitty butt and went all over my face.
4. Washed face with a diaper wipe. Left smelling like a baby's bottom.
5. Waited 4 weeks for Invisalign to make my molds
6. Met with Ortho and Smelly Assistant to put the first ones in. He glued ceramic clips over my teeth that will hold the braces. I need to change them every 2 weeks.
 |
| Those bulges on the side of my teeth are ceramic clips to hold the braces in place. |
 |
| Two hours in and ready to face the world! Two days in and I am ready to put my face in an ice box and call the whole thing off. This hurts....I want my mom... |
What they didn't tell me:
2. You can only drink cool water with them on. Anything warm can warp the shape of them.
3. You can't eat with them on.
4. Taking them off feels like pulling a sword out of your heart. Worst pain ever.
5. They cut your tongue.
6. They make you lisp. Thu thu thu thu. Oh, ith thhat funny? Ith thupid.
7. They make you drool like a happy golden retriever.
8. They dehydrate you so you need to guzzle water like a fish. And put chap stick on like a player.
9. You need to brush your teeth after each meal, brush your braces and have not one spec of food floating around that can get trapped and decay your mouth.
10. Possibly the worst, you can't kiss. It hurts like a mother.
So today my day looked like this:
1. Drove to work feeling like I had a bird cage in my mouth.
2. Discovered that iced water helps relieve the swelling!
3. Thanked the good Lord that I work in a library and don't have to talk and risk cutting my tounge.
4. Ran 3 miles to prove to them (not sure who, probably Invisalign) that they could retain my mouth but not my body, not my soul. My free healthy legs ran to be beat of Rihanna. It worked. My legs are not imprisoned like my mouth! Moving on...
5. Drank a gallon of water.
6. Pulled the sword out of my mouth so I could eat a mashed banana.
7. Brushed my swollen teeth, brushed my braces and put the bird cage back in my mouth. Spent 20 minutes in the staff bathroom doing this.
8. Had co-workers whispering about why I was in the bathroom so long and now a lisper.
9. Told them I had braces and that they HURT. So the point of Invisalign is now irrelevant. Since it is supposed to be invisible but now all know.
I should have gone with traditional braces. I hope these things really work. They sure hurt me a lot. I feel like a cage is in my mouth. I feel constrained and claustrophobic with these things. I'm sad that I can't drink coffee with them in, I'm sad I can't eat steak, I'm sad I listhp.
It'll be over soon enough and I will go back to barreling my way through mugs and mugs of coffee and medium rare steaks with crusty bread.
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