Driving in DC, an apology to my Blog
Dear Little Blog,
I'm sorry you have sat in silence for a month and a half or so. I have an excuse, it's called DC Traffic.
It has dominated my mornings and evenings. But let me tell you a little more about it. I traded yelling middle schoolers for honking horns in the morning. Early each morning I drive by the horses and marvel at them as they trot around the early morning flowers. If it is passed 7:25 I keep driving past them, but if it is anyplace between 7:25-7:30 I have to break and stop.
And wait behind a yellow school bus. That yellow school bus stops every morning for at least five minutes at the same house. In that house live two little kids, I used to think they were cute but now curse at them for being slow. Shame on me. The first is a little girl. She is fast and dashes with glee to the bus. Her little brother is around 6 years old with a packpack as big as he is. It slips and slides and he gets stuck every morning at the fence in front of his house. You would think he would figure it out by now, but men are slow to learn. He keeps running and the fence holds him. Traffic lines up, very annoyed important people going to work mutter, some honk. He doesn't know they are honking because of him and finally frees himself, usually trips on something and finally pulls his little body and the enormous backpack onto the yellow school bus. But no, the bus doesn't move. No, it legally waits till the child has sat, eaten breakfast, snack, had a nap, lunch and dinner before moving and allowing traffic to move. By that time we all despise children of all ages who take school busses. So leaving the house before 7:20 is ideal. The horses don't know. They eat hay and sometimes make big poops while people yell in traffic in their cars.
Then I turn and go down towards Georgia Ave. I know if I passed the girl with the green hair, who is around 12 and going to middle school and trying to be brave and unique with green hair but still looks terrified, if I pass her by the church I am ok to get to the light and turn by 7:30. If she is passed the church then I know Georgia Ave. could be terribly stopped with traffic. Most people turning and merging speaking loudly on their cell phones, text messaging or doing things they shouldn't do while driving on their phone.
DC is like a star where all the stars arms are major streets, or arteries to the heart of DC. I take Georgia Ave. because it has many lanes and interesting sights as it goes through little Ethiopia, Howard University and neighborhoods that are charging hippster young people way more than they should for rent. On Georgia Ave., as I turn I see green lights and count the seconds on the walking signal as I drive closer to see if I can make it before it gets to 5.
5 - I can make a green light
4- It's a "fresh yellow" I can still go
3 - that fkr is stopping infront of me! NO!
2 - Stop. There are speed cameras everywhere like a stalker
1 - Stop. each ticket costs at least $75 and that is a good steak dinner tossed on a ticket!
Its stressful. Oh, while we are on the topic, dear blog, you should know what lane to drive on. There is the left lane and the right lane. Seems simple right? Wrong!
Left lane in DC: the left lane seems ideal. yay! Traffic is moving. Oh, someone is turning left. Oh, it won't be so bad. Let me wait, and wait, and wait , and wait. A space just opened up in traffic: WHY AREN'T THEY TURNING?! Oh, there was a pedestrian...walking as slow as possible. Darn, can't kill them. Lets wait some more.
Right lane in DC: Usually faster than the left lane! Great news! Till you see a city bus which will stop and let people dine and sleep on it overnight before it starts to move! So you have to pay attention and stay on the right lane, till you see a Red bus, then move to the left lane when you see the red bus, then back to the right lane as soon as you pass the bus to avoid getting stuck behind a left turner.
Then if traffic just stops: call your mom.
Tips for driving in DC:
1. Don't crash. It's hard but just try not to.
2. Drive with comfy shoes. I recommend Keds.
3. Sing. It helps.
4. Curse in Italian. Neapolitan is best. It feels so much more authentic than in English. You can say the same bad words in much more flavorful offensive ways in Italian.
And dear blog, forgive me. Once I get used to my new horrific commute I will come back to you. Right now I just recouperate when I get home, clean the litter box, and collapse in bed.
Love,
Burgers and Gelato
I'm sorry you have sat in silence for a month and a half or so. I have an excuse, it's called DC Traffic.
It has dominated my mornings and evenings. But let me tell you a little more about it. I traded yelling middle schoolers for honking horns in the morning. Early each morning I drive by the horses and marvel at them as they trot around the early morning flowers. If it is passed 7:25 I keep driving past them, but if it is anyplace between 7:25-7:30 I have to break and stop.
And wait behind a yellow school bus. That yellow school bus stops every morning for at least five minutes at the same house. In that house live two little kids, I used to think they were cute but now curse at them for being slow. Shame on me. The first is a little girl. She is fast and dashes with glee to the bus. Her little brother is around 6 years old with a packpack as big as he is. It slips and slides and he gets stuck every morning at the fence in front of his house. You would think he would figure it out by now, but men are slow to learn. He keeps running and the fence holds him. Traffic lines up, very annoyed important people going to work mutter, some honk. He doesn't know they are honking because of him and finally frees himself, usually trips on something and finally pulls his little body and the enormous backpack onto the yellow school bus. But no, the bus doesn't move. No, it legally waits till the child has sat, eaten breakfast, snack, had a nap, lunch and dinner before moving and allowing traffic to move. By that time we all despise children of all ages who take school busses. So leaving the house before 7:20 is ideal. The horses don't know. They eat hay and sometimes make big poops while people yell in traffic in their cars.
Then I turn and go down towards Georgia Ave. I know if I passed the girl with the green hair, who is around 12 and going to middle school and trying to be brave and unique with green hair but still looks terrified, if I pass her by the church I am ok to get to the light and turn by 7:30. If she is passed the church then I know Georgia Ave. could be terribly stopped with traffic. Most people turning and merging speaking loudly on their cell phones, text messaging or doing things they shouldn't do while driving on their phone.
DC is like a star where all the stars arms are major streets, or arteries to the heart of DC. I take Georgia Ave. because it has many lanes and interesting sights as it goes through little Ethiopia, Howard University and neighborhoods that are charging hippster young people way more than they should for rent. On Georgia Ave., as I turn I see green lights and count the seconds on the walking signal as I drive closer to see if I can make it before it gets to 5.
5 - I can make a green light
4- It's a "fresh yellow" I can still go
3 - that fkr is stopping infront of me! NO!
2 - Stop. There are speed cameras everywhere like a stalker
1 - Stop. each ticket costs at least $75 and that is a good steak dinner tossed on a ticket!
Its stressful. Oh, while we are on the topic, dear blog, you should know what lane to drive on. There is the left lane and the right lane. Seems simple right? Wrong!
Left lane in DC: the left lane seems ideal. yay! Traffic is moving. Oh, someone is turning left. Oh, it won't be so bad. Let me wait, and wait, and wait , and wait. A space just opened up in traffic: WHY AREN'T THEY TURNING?! Oh, there was a pedestrian...walking as slow as possible. Darn, can't kill them. Lets wait some more.
Right lane in DC: Usually faster than the left lane! Great news! Till you see a city bus which will stop and let people dine and sleep on it overnight before it starts to move! So you have to pay attention and stay on the right lane, till you see a Red bus, then move to the left lane when you see the red bus, then back to the right lane as soon as you pass the bus to avoid getting stuck behind a left turner.
Then if traffic just stops: call your mom.
Tips for driving in DC:
1. Don't crash. It's hard but just try not to.
2. Drive with comfy shoes. I recommend Keds.
3. Sing. It helps.
4. Curse in Italian. Neapolitan is best. It feels so much more authentic than in English. You can say the same bad words in much more flavorful offensive ways in Italian.
And dear blog, forgive me. Once I get used to my new horrific commute I will come back to you. Right now I just recouperate when I get home, clean the litter box, and collapse in bed.
Love,
Burgers and Gelato
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