Washing the Bum in Italy: Fare il Bidet

Warning: this blog focuses on bodily parts that might make some sensitive readers uncomfortable. For sensitive readers (my mom) I am using the words "tush, bum, bottom, hiney, and the bottoms friendly neighbors" to refer to the genitals. However, it would be downright boring to just read the word"rectum" repeatedly. Ready for the bidet? Lets do this: 

Being clean shouldn't be a luxury but a right. Blow your nose, wash your hands. Go potty, wash your hands. Eat a big meal, brush your teeth. Touch some mud, triple wash your hands. Go pupù...wash your hands? Just your hands? That doesn't make sense. What should be the right answer? Think...ahh...wash the bum! There we go! So what does the bottom get washed with? Not just toilet paper, I mean we would never clean our dirty hands convincingly with only toilet paper. Hm, maybe water and soap could help. Add it all together and you get this great guy:

The Bidet! A sink for the bottom half of the body: bottom and feet. It works just like a sink. Those bidets that fill up like a tub are gross and not used in Italy. Modern sink versions like these are in most homes. Just turn on, point and wash!

The bidet, legend has it, began like most great things: with French prostitutes. High heels, shorter skirts, lip stick and photography all started with those ladies and the bidet is said to as well. Other stories claim that the Romans were fans of an early version of the bidet. However, I tend to believe that it started in Japan and migrated to the Mediterranean. Regardless of how it started people noticed that it made a significant difference in hygiene.

Queen Regina Maria Carolina di Napoli used this gold covered bidet in the late 17th century to keep fresh under her frilly ballgowns.

Queen Regina Maria Carolina di Napoli. Now that is a lot of ballgown to walk around with in all types of weather.

Fare il bidet, meaning having a bidet bath, is an every day ritual that people do in Italy in the morning, after using the bathroom, and before going to bed. They just clean regularly with toilet paper, hop over from the toilet to the bidet, wash the bum (or its friendly neighbors), dry with a little bidet towel just for that purpose, pull up their pants, wash their hands and go on their way fresh, sanitized and clean.

Most home bathrooms come with a towel warmer and always with a bidet. 

When I first arrived to Italy and opened my bathroom door I stared at the bidet blankly and it stared right back at me as if to say, "So what if I clean bums?" I then learned it's many purposes of washing hineys and it can also be cleaned filled with hot water and used to soak the feet: et voilà, you have a pedicure on the way! After living in Italy for nearly 2 years I am baffled, just plain speechless when I think that every bum in Italy is freshly washed with the bidet and in the US and other countries they are not. Really, think about it: Obama, Madonna, Mitt Romney, Kate Middleton and Queen Elizabeth go around with unwashed steamy stinky bums in the middle of summer. And yes, I picture that when I see them on the news. Yuck. I bet that girls do better academically in Italy because the boys use the bidet. Learning Greek and Latin would be impossible if the boys didn't use the bidet and the class had that special highschool boy Eau di Funk. For sure I would have gotten an A in my high school calculous class if the guys sitting behind me used the bidet, but since they smelled like rotten eggs I was distracted and disgusted and got a B. The bidet makes so much sense for personal hygiene.

Washing the tush (bottom) after using the bathroom, or when needed is equal in importance to other valuable hygiene like brushing teeth to prevent cavities, washing the hands to prevent spreading illness and bacteria, washing the skin, and being a clean person.

I want to start a campaign for bidet use in the US. A myriad of countries (Japan, Greece, Croatia, Argentina, South Korea, Malta, Italy, Spain, France and many more) have bidets and we (civilized with flat screen TV's, iPods and giant cell phones in the US) scoff at funny Italians for washing their bums. The joke is on us because as an advanced society that leads in so many global industries we fail to do one basic affordable thing that could prolong life through dismissing bacteria contacted through fecal matter: washing the bum and it's friendly neighbors. President Hoover promised "A chicken in every pot on Sunday" during his Presidential campaign at the beginning of the great depression in 1928. If one of the presidential candidates promised "A bidet in every bathroom" I would totally cast my absentee ballot for them. Why? First of all they are unlikely to pass anything more interesting. However, here are my 5 great reasons for anyone to use a bidet.

The toilet looks like it needs a little company. What would a bathroom be with a shower and no sink?

1. If you are a female in reproductive years it is necessary for monthly hygiene. If you just gave birth, it greatly helps to daily clean any healing skin.

2. If you are male, in Highschool, you won't smell offensively and girls will like you more. Seriously speaking, for men the bidet keeps sensitive skin clean and odor free. 

3.Preparation H not cooling those darn hemorrhoids? Try soothing them with water. Guess what? Warm water from the bidet also encourages circulation in that special area and helps keep those pesky pains away.

4.Children begin to learn about the importance of staying clean and also how bacteria can infect them if they are not clean.

5. Feet: I am a huge fan of transforming the bidet into my foot spa. Wash the bidet with a bit of bleach, then fill with warm soapy water, surround with all my toe-tools (pumice stone, polish, flip flops) and read a nice gossip magazine to lower my IQ and stress level. ahhh.....

6. Added bonus. Granny, Gramps or someone fragile that can't control their muscles so well for potty will toss aside the Depends, enjoy "facendo il bidet" and walk on their way clean, smelling fresh and with a pep in their step.

Now, as for what type of bidet is the best. The best kind of bidet is like a sink faucet that you sit on. None of those squirting things from the bottom up or the contraptions that are installed in the toilet. No, none of those. The right bidet will have a nozzle like a sink and a handle like it too.

I really am surprised that French and Italian immigrants didn't bring the bidet idea to the US till recently. Nevertheless, the bidet is making a slow but steady appearance in American homes. The choices for models are few, and boring, but effective. Home Depot sells several models. If I were to purchase one it would be this one:

This bidet is sold for $368 dollars at Home Depot and can be found here

And installing a bidet, in fact, is a feature on many new or remodeled homes. In fact, this listing of homes in Texas, lists many lovely homes boasting a bidet in the home.

On that note, off to wash the bathroom. Bidety bidety boom!